Breast Pump to BBQ: How To Mother Your Readers

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
― Maya Angelou
  Stop it, Höbin.  

What.

  I mean it.  

*sigh*

  You’re being too hard on yourself.  

I know.

  Too critical.   No, things aren’t perfect.   They never will be.  

*sigh*

  That doesn’t mean you can’t have heaven on Earth.   You just have to build it yourself, that’s all.  

[insert another sigh here]

  Today I’m here to be your friend.  

Aren't you my friend every day?

  Shut up.  

I'm ordering another drink...

  Look, I'm not judging you, I promise.   No blame.  

Waitress!

  I’m on your side.   Whatever side that is.   I’m also here to give you a reality check...   Because the readers simply don’t realize what an amazing mother they have.  

Wait. ....did you just call me....a woman?

  Shut up, Höbin, I'm feeling inspired.  

Yer gonna feel hurt when I punch you in the MOUTH...

  Oh, they have their moments, but when you sit there, thinking you’re alone and unnoticed, I hear those soft sighs of resignation.  

WHAA?

  The quiet sadness.  

Oh for crying out--

  So let me, at least for today, tell you how amazing you are.   Let me share MY perspective.  

Not sure I can stop you at this point.

  Reasons why your readers ought to be kissing your apron...or better yet, your feet.  

That's... just gross.

     

1. You Wanted Them Even Before You Met Them

  How amazing is that!?   Just like a mother, filled with the power of life, you haven’t even SEEN these readers and more than anything, you want them in your life and you’re willing to sacrifice for them.  

You did it again. I am NOT a female, Jaime. Watch yourself!

  No, that’s not quite right.  

Damn STRAIGHT that's not quite right.

  You’re willing to completely put your own life on hold to be the love and support they will need.
I mean, wow!  

(This is gonna be a long night, I can feel it.)

  You didn’t even know if they’d be sweet...or some DEMON SPAWN with the personality of an irritating in-law you can’t stand.  

Or writing partner?

     

2. You Journeyed To The Valley Of Death To Bring Their Ungrateful Butt Here!

If I went no further than this, your readers should be groveling in gratitude.  

Well...

  But do they?  

No.

  Do they clean their room, take out the garbage or even wash the dishes without having to be asked—nay, even after being begged a DOZEN TIMES OR MORE!?!  

NO!

  No.  

The little craps.

  I said I wouldn’t judge you today, but I didn’t say anything about the ungrateful gnomes running about.  

Heyyyyyyyy.

  You went through pain, suffering and the risk of dying yourself (modern miracles of digital publishing or not, it still happens) and they don’t see it.  

No. No they don't.

  Just pop on out and start complaining, justifying and demanding.  

Cry. Whine. Poop. Pee.

  Wash. Rinse. Repeat.  

Exactly!

  Good news is, they WILL eventually grow up and learn this one lesson. They’ll have kids of their own.  

Muhahahaha!

  When that birthing experience happens, you’ll be able to hover over them and smile. Don’t say anything....just smile.
That silent smile will say it all.      

3. From Runway Model to Fat Amy in 9 Months

No, I’m not trying to be mean.   Saying that’s no more cruel than when you call yourself a ‘cow’ or ‘milk factory’(I really hate when you say that).  

I'VE NEVER SAID THAT!!

  The kids don’t realize the sacrifice you’ve made—being willing to go through both physical and emotional transformations just for them.  

Well I,....it's hard to sit in the same place day after day, writing away. Your feet swell, your back--

  But I do, Höbin.  

........

  The looks you give yourself in the mirror or the way you try to eat like a bird when no one’s looking.  

Okay, now you're just talking crap.

  Do you think you have to do this for us?   If you want to do this for yourself, fantastic. I can support you in a personal desire to be healthy, strong and build your readership.   But not if you’re doing it for someone else.  

WAITRESS! DRINKS PLEASE!!

  So I’m gonna let you in on a little secret, ok?  

Oh crap. Don't.

  You...are...beautiful!  

WAITRESS!!

  Your love, kindness, intelligence and personality are to be envied and admired by other online authors.   Mothers have that beauty which cannot be matched, because it’s motherhood which sparks it in you. ...and it shines on the outside too.  

*choke*

  No, I’m NOT teasing you.  

That's it. I'm not--

  I realize you might not feel beautiful, but you are.  

-----!

  Truth is, you can’t help it.
My vision is 20/20 and I’m telling you, you’re a gorgeous author.  

I swear I'm gonna hurt you when this is over.

     

4. You See Wonder & Potential Where The World Sees A Little %$#%@!!

Why is it that kids don’t realize that at least half the world wants to end them when they act like they own the place?
I see the looks folks give.  

Finally! ....alcohol.

  Watch ‘em close or someone’s gonna back over them with a minivan accidentally in the grocery store parking lot, I’m tellin’ ya.   They go looking for a new fantasy book series, not knowing what to expect and some doofus with a shred of marketing skills and no writing talent snags their hard-earned money and BAM!  

Exactly.

  Of course it’ll be by “accident.”  

Of course.

  But that’s another aspect that makes you so amazing, do you see that?  

Uh, no. What are you talking about?

  You’ve done an exceptional job at bolstering your reader's confidence by encouraging them through your epic writing.   “You’re so smart!”
“You can do anything you put your mind to.”
“You’re beautiful!”
  That’s the true magic of mommy—you see what few, if anyone else can, see.
The potential of your child.  

Ohhhhh. NOW I get you. Mommy, me--author. Gotcha. Had to get past wanting to punch your face with my cybernetic hand.

  “You have to say that. You’re my mom,” they’ll complain at one point.
We both know they’re wrong.
You don’t say it because you have to.
You say it because you MEAN it.
 

Well YEAH--cause (alright, I'll bite) they're my KIDS.

  That, dear Höbin, makes you either crazy...or amazing.
My vote is the later.  

Mine too.

     

5. Because You’re Right About Everything...(usually)

Let’s face it...mom’s almost always right.   Not sure if you have magic in your blood, you’re a direct descendant of Michel de Nostredame or just psychic, but the children won’t realize this about you until they hit their 20’s.   Probably after they move out.   You are the ‘organic Google’ of Wanted Hero.  

Heh. Well...yeah.

  Seriously, your memory, mental powers and recall, coupled with your historical research, are almost scary!
Hair styles.

Geography.

Boys.

Primates.

Girls.

Bloodlines.

Dating.

Races & Culture.

Behavior.

Continents & Kingdoms.

Friend issues.

Lore & Legends.

First impressions.

Beasts. Myths. Magic.

Apartments. Cooking. Finances.
 

Hehe,...I am pretty good.

  How to get out the stain you noticed on the waiters coat jacket, which he was wearing during your first date with your spouse, drizzling rain outside (slightly foggy, but romantic) while Duran Duran’s “Ordinary World” played overhead, much to your annoyance. The food was ok, but the noodles were undercooked and the sauce needed a bit more garlic and a dash of oregano.  

Aaaaand off you go--into the deep end again. I have no IDEA what's you're talking about now.

  I mean, wow..
Even if you’re not always right, we should keep up the illusion...just for the sake of leverage.      

6. You Labor As Their Therapist, Even When You Need One Yourself

From cuts and scrapes to bumps and bruises, you’re there, guiding them through the landscape of epic fantasy adventures.   “But that was one of my favorite characters!” they cry aloud.  

Hear that one often enough.

  So what do you do? You throw a sheet over the dead body and soothe their emotions, pointing out another road to travel.
Biting Vallen to get the character back isn’t an option.   ...unless it’s a really lovable character.   Kidding!
(smirk)
When the readers get older, you deal with the more complicated stuff.   “You don’t know what it’s LIKE,” they’ll blurt out ignorantly, adjusting their rationale while rolling their eyes at you.  

Right. I’ve never been 13.

  You were born with grey hair and varicose veins.  

Hehe,...yeah.

  You’ve never had hormones or felt confused, lonely or lost. At the end of the day, who lets you lay on the couch to vent?  

Nobody.

  Yet when the sun rises once more, you’re there, soothing little Jonny when he comes back to Wanted Hero, wanting to get lost in this fantastical fictional world! It's what help him cope with being distraught over Sammy telling, Benny that Jenny doesn’t like him for something Jill told Tommy little Jonny said to Susie.  

You know, if we could take all this drama and package it as an Elementary Soap Opera, we could make some serious money.

     

7. You Believe When No One Else Does

Are you starting to see my point?  

Actually, yeah.

  Can you see how amazing you are, dear?  

Don't call me dear.

  You should be getting awards for this stuff!  

Hazard pay, at least.

  Shrines should be built in your honor.  

...at the very least, other authors should be shelling out $250/hr for my counsel.

  The most amazing thing I see here is that you believe things will always get better.  

Of COURSE they will. I'm spending all my available time on this world, and the more subscribers we get, the more time I can spend.

  You still believe the children will learn.  

They WILL--we just have to show them how phenomenal WantedHero.com is. That if what they're looking for is a quality fantasy adventure, then immersing themselves in this world is the right choice to make!

  You still believe they’ll grow and become something more.  

They will!

  Someday they’ll make all of this effort worth it and you’ll be even more proud than you already are. I...can’t stop from smiling when I think of what the FAF is going to think of this all!  

HAH! They are gonna be so pissed.

     

8. You Are Proof There Is A Constant In The Universe

Friends come and go.   There are good days and bad.   People aren’t always nice.   They’re not always understanding.   Sometimes jobs don’t work out. Neither do relationships.   It’s not the end of the world.   The sun will set, the sun will rise. ...Höbin will always be there for you to provide your Fiction-Addiction.  

Awwwww.

  Nuff said.      

9. You Never Realized You’d Be The Queen Of The Diseased Monkeys

 

Can we please stop with the woman references? I'm a 67 year old gnome with more hair on my face than 350 wannabe teenagers!

  No one told you about this part of the job.   Yet you didn’t shirk from the responsibility.   You didn’t flinch.  

Well, it's my job, Jaime.

  Even friends and family made pathetic excuses to cancel dinner plans.  

Seriously, it’s the third time cousin Barry died this year.

  Fevers.  

Runny noses.

  Infections so bad, the CDC would show up in biohazard suits.  

It's been a COVID19 fantasy!

  Ok, not that bad...but it feels that way at times, doesn’t it?  

Yup.

  Vomiting, hacking, crying, complaining...and who relieves you?  

No one.

  You’re the captain of the up-chuck ship and no one’s bailing the sludge over the side of the lifeboat but you.  

The rest of the world looks at every cough and sniff as a sign of doom. Wusses.

  It’s because they think your readers are plague-riddled monkeys, not people...and you are their queen.  

WAITRESS--ANOTHER ROUND!!

  You are exposed to every bad review disease and troll-riddled contamination your child is infected with. But do you falter? NAY!!  

...AND I usually do it with a smile!

  Somewhere, someone in making a T-Shirt dedicated to you.  

It says, “Biohazard Suit? I Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Biohazard Suit...I’m A MOTHER!”

  I say we put in a group order.  

Can't believe I just fell for that.

     

10. No One Can Love Unconditionally Like You Do

If I created a pole on this one subject, I have no doubt 95% of the world would describe ‘Unconditional Love’ as a mothers love.  

I'd agree.

  Of course you’re disappointed when something bad happens, or a bad review is given...but you don’t cast a reader off.  

Of course not!

  There are always kisses and hugs and an encouraging words of counsel to help your reader get up and choose another book, short story or even game.  

Exactly.

  Even if you have to beat their butt with a spoon like a xylophone for playing with matches or peeing on the cat, you show that increase of love afterwards.  

Sort of.

  What?  

I don't like cats.

  Whatever. You're messing with my groove.  

I'm just saying.

  That, and you make them wash the cat.  

(preferably machine wash)

  Do you realize that most of us are here, having made it to adulthood, because someone like you...an amazing author... loved us here?  

I'm...pretty sure that was because of their parents, Jaime.

  Groove. .....GROOVE.  

Sorry.

  My POINT is...our worlds revolve because mom loved us FIRST...and in many ways, she loved us BEST.  

Right. I knew that.

     

11. You Are Patient, Almost To A Fault

How you do this, I can’t fathom.  

It's simple, I--

  Sitting up, night after night as the baby...*cough* reader sobs and screams so long the paint curls off the walls.  

What?

  Wiping fevered brows until your fingers numb.  

Uh. Never happened.

  Smiling sweetly as your child vents.  

...even when the rest of us wonder why no one has developed a child taser or shock collar.

  Even when they scream, “I HATE YOU,” there’s no anger in you, even if the situation requires a rebuke.  

Hey, when a reader decides to text me at 3am to tell me off, I consider that a SERIOUS success in writing a gripping tale!

  Fact is, no matter what happens, you stay the course.  

I endure.

  You see the end result and refuse to give in to emotions when you know doing so will have a negative effect.  

Instead, I smile.

  You pray.  

I drink.

  You love.  

I write (more).

  You hope.  

...and I wait.

  “It’s worth it,” you tell yourself. Sometimes over and over again.  

...and again.

  (let’s talk more about that child taser invention....)      

12. You Show Us Who We Can Become...If We’re Lucky

Why do you do it all?  

What?

  Have you stopped and thought about it??  

I...

  Why do you endure and work so hard, suffering through all the tantrums and misconceptions, abuse and rebellion?  

Readers have never been that bad, actually. They're quite amazing if I say so my--

  Because you are mom.  

*sigh*

  In your hands lay the core of society.  

Woah. Woah.

  The destiny of the world we live in.  

Jaime, I'm a gnome historian, not a power-hungry politician.

  By each and every act, you shape the minds of the little ones you bring into this world.  

That statement sounds almost true...and a little disturbing at the same time.

  You show them what’s possible.
Show them what’s expected.
By your example, you create stability, but you also instill hope.  

I sure hope so.

  Because you are LIKE a mom.  

THERE ya go. LIKE I can deal with.

  A title that is ridiculed and mocked by a world that’s so damn stupid, they just don’t get it.  

Amen to THAT.

  While others run after money, titles and things that bring nothing but selfishness, debt and emptiness, you are accomplishing more than they can ever hope to.  

Well, we DO want people to subscribe...

  YOU, my sweet, beautiful, amazing friend...are crafting a passionate heart.  

Uhhhh...

  A ripple, that will stretch into the future, changing the very course of mankind, through the example you are, right now.  

Wow. You think so?

  How do I know this?  

I'm all ears.

  Personal experience.  

I....

 

I think that's the nicest compliment I've ever been given.

  Well, you deserve it, buddy.  

Next round on me?

  Absolutely. Then we can discuss why people would be idiots NOT to subscribe to our website...

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