ROADKILL TAVERN Menu

Best food. Best prices. Black Market Favorite.

Written by Höbin Luckyfeller, resident taste-tester & food snob
”If you haven’t eaten Woods cooking at the Roadkill Tavern, you’ve never fed your soul.”
— patron saying
  In the bowels of who knows where, is the famous gypsy Black Market—the hub of all things weird, rare and illegal. Within the bowels of the bowels (is that even possible?) is the single greatest place to eat: Roadkill Tavern.   Oh some may argue that there are better places to find food among the numerous market streets and shops, but that’s only because they’re either starving…or a desperate competitor to the Roadkill.  

Let’s Get The Facts

To be perfectly clear here, The Roadkill Tavern isn’t just ‘a’ place to eat within the market. It is THE place to eat in the market, it is the BEST place to eat in the market…and it was the FIRST place to eat within the market.   Owned and operated by Wood, a resident human and favorite among Gypsy authorities and locals, this establishment is known for fantastic food and drink at more-than-fair prices. Aside from his enormous size and muscular stature, patrons are still gobsmacked that this one-eyed woodsman can:  
  • Use local sub-par food sources and still make them taste as good as he does, and;
  • Be trapped underground and still have invented the world-famous Blackseed Rum.
  Yet he did this all from a simple menu that brings back thousands of patrons each and every month, keeping his establishment full day in and day out.
 

The Roadkill Menu

I’ve been renting a room annually from Wood since I retired from Clockworks City, and the menu has rarely changed. Aside from dishes accented and modified to use food in season, the menu rarely changes. There are three staples offered every day, from open to close: Käärunä Hash, Sour Steak, and Fried Riisi.   Since these dishes have become a staple of my own life, I secured Woods permission to share the recipes with you here, and have asked for modifications and substitutions to allow for a wider range of enjoyment.  

Käärunä Hash

(…because every dark, dank, root growing under the mountain should taste this good) --Sells for 5p

  This recipe is the #1 patron favorite at the Tavern. The kitchen doors are constantly swinging as maidens bring out hundreds of pounds of this stuff each hour to anticipating (and salivating) mouths.   Based around the Käärunä [kah-ROO-nah] or ‘Snake Potato’, which grows at incredible speed in these dark caves, this dish is perfect for those wanting a hearty, full stomach, while tantalizing the tastebuds. These dark green skinned roots and near black centers turn a golden brown when fried in fresh butter and spices.  
Yield:1 serving to a Vallen or 6 servings for other mortals
Time: 45 minutes   Ingredients
5lbs of käärunä (or 6 good sized potatoes)
1 bunch green onions
1/2 lb fresh butter
1 cup millo oil (or virgin olive oil)
1/2 cup sea salt
1/4 cup fresh tamir (or fresh chopped garlic)
4 pinches of dried shade root (or you can use black pepper)
1lb of your preferred sausage (spicy pig or chargon is best)
1/4lb cheese
 
Read HOW TO PREPARE

STEP 1

Wood always cuts up the käärunä and boils them until they are just slightly firm and not breaking apart. This is to allow for the root to fry properly and allow for a crispy outside, while a softer inside. The cubes should not be bigger than 1”. Boil the water, put the root in, be mindful and check them often, taking a cube out and using a fork, see if it breaks apart. Once cooked, remove the roots, drain them and immerse them in cold water to stop the cooking process.  

STEP 2

Chop the green onions into fine rings, then using a large, deep skillet, pour your oil in and let it start to warm up. Hold hand over the skillet and as soon as you can feel the beginnings of heat, put in the butter. This is to flavor the oil, which will seep into the root.  

STEP 3

Once you see the butter bubbling and hear it crackling, put in the onions, sausage and tamir, sauté them lightly, then dump in your käärunä root on top. Once all the root is in the skillet, add a moderate amount of salt over the root. Next, ‘fold’ the käärunä with a spatula to mix both the salt and oil over the pieces. Shake the skillet to allow the root to settle evenly into the oil.   Once settled, add your shade root over the top and taste a piece. Add salt to taste, then let the dish fry for 3-4 minutes, then fold again until outside of käärunä becomes golden brown.  

STEP 4

Place on a plate, add shaved cheese over top, which can also be complimented with an egg or two (6 for a Vallen, unless you want trouble) and a glass of favorite juice.
   

Sour Steak

(of Happiness and Joy) --Sells for 5p @ 6oz/ 8p @ 12oz/ and 2c for the 74oz
  I have yet to eat a better piece of meat and always look forward to hearing that another poor, defenseless animal has been slaughtered so that I can satisfy my gluttonous appetite. I’d tip my hat to farmers for this blissful experience…if I wore a hat.  
Yield: 1 serving for anyone with a single tastebud left in their body
Time: 25 minutes   Ingredients
1 slab of your favorite red meat (I recommend pakrot haunch or beef)
1 bunch chopped green onions
1/4 lb fresh butter
1/2 cup millo oil (or virgin olive oil)
1/4 cup sea salt
1/4 cup fresh vaydin sauce (or soy sauce can be used)
4 pinches of dried shade root (black pepper will also work)
3 tbs of soured cream (just ‘sour cream’ to humans)
1/2 lb grub roots (or mushrooms or choice)

 
Read HOW TO PREPARE

STEP 1

Make sure your meat has hung for a few days to drain of blood. This dish is best served clean as possible. Blood in the pan will put off the flavor it’s meant to have.  

STEP 2

Take your meat and rub salt over it to taste. A light coating will do nicely, on both sides.  

STEP 3

Take a hot skillet and throw in the oil, wait for it to lightly heat up, then add the butter, wait for it to bubble and start popping, then lay the slab of meat in the hot pan.  

STEP 4

Wait 3-4 minutes for the meat to sear on one side, then turn it over on its back for another 2-4 minutes. Once the meat is turned onto its back, pour the vaydin sauce directly onto the meat, allowing it to spill over the sides into the pan. This is going to smoke, so don’t panic. Take a fork or pinchers and dab the meat into the pooling vaydin, then quickly add the soured cream directly into the pan on top of the vaydin.  

STEP 5

Using the meat with a fork or pinchers, mix the soured cream with the vaydin, until you get a light tan color mixture. Flip the meat over and over again to coat the meat and let simmer for 2 minutes.  

STEP 6

Take the meat out, place on plate, then take skillet off heat and add grub roots to absorb the remaining sour cream/vaydin mixture. Add roots to plate.  

STEP 7

Don’t share…and enjoy.
   

Fried Riisi

(…because your mother can only DREAM of making something this good.) --Sells for 4p per bowl
  This is a dish often offered for breakfast and one of my favorites, especially when I have a cold. It’s spicy and hot, which help with your circulation while providing the added bonus of being able to avoid kissing anyone you don’t want to get near.   Yes, children, this will even ward off Aunt Bertha, I promise.  
Yield: 3 servings for the guests you actually care about
Time: 10 minutes   Ingredients
6 cups of riisi (humans often use rice)
1/2 lb chopped fermented bane hair (Wood says humans use something called KimChi from Humär?)
1/2 cup finely chopped green onions
2 tbs fresh butter
1/2 cup millo oil (or virgin olive oil)
1 tbs sea salt
1/2 cup fresh vaydin sauce (or soy sauce can be used)
   
Read HOW TO PREPARE

STEP 1

Take a medium hot skillet and put in half the oil, then add the butter, fermented Bain hair and green onions. Fry until hot.  

STEP 2

Add the riisi and stir in. The fermented bane hair will turn the dish red. Once mixed in, add the reminder of oil, then add the vaydin sauce…mix in well, then take off heat.  

STEP 3

Put in bowl and eat. You can serve with eggs on top for a twist.
 

Conclusion

There are many dishes to be enjoyed and envied at the Roadkill Tavern, and if I can convince Wood to allow me more of his recipe’s, I’ll post them here.   Try these dishes on your own…but I’ll always recommend eating from the hands of the master.   …you’ll just have to get your hands on a Gate Key to get here.
wood-profile-pic.png

What Patrons Have To Say...

kaaruna.jpg

Käärunä Hash


"Who the hell wants to eat something called a 'Snake Potato'? Not the missus, I'll tell you THAT! But that kind young lady recommended it in such a sweet way, that old bird caved and ordered it outright. Ya know what? She LOVED it!   I'll tell you what,...my old bird ain't loved NOTHIN' since I shot the Bukler's hound in the ass for killin' her prize goose!   I know, funny as hell, wasn't it, hun?   Snake Potato? Hell...call it 'Golden Turds' and I'd still buy the damn thing!"
— Mr. Cravitz, merchant
  DISCLAIMER: The Roadkill Tavern does not use 'turds' in any recipe served to patrons.
 
"I remember the first time I ever had this dish...because I was overly nervous.   The Black Market is already a scary place--so to think that the food would be even safe, let alone delicious was a hard thing for me to believe. But anything I've ever had at the Tavern has been incredible. This dish at the top of my list.   It reminds me of the hash browns my dad would make on Saturdays with buttered toast and eggs. Perfect for a morning of watching cartoons together."
Wendell P. Dipmier , hero.
   
sour-steak.jpg

Sour Steak


"I have eaten at some of the finest establishments throughout the continent of Humär and nothing compares to the delectable flavor of Mr. Woods Sour Steak."
— Camrin Bain, merchant
 
"After a long day of hunting down and flaying Vallen for being alive, there's nothing better to satisfy a warriors hunger than a Sour Steak. Especially when my dad's buyin'...   (...you ARE buying tonight, right pop?)"
 
"Though I've made this at home using the good Mr. Wood's own recipe, there's something about the love he puts into his dishes that just can't be competed with here. It's not just the ingredients that make his food near perfect--it's the man behind the flames."
— IYL-MADDOK (Tuä)
 
fried-riisi.jpg

Fried Riisi


"Of course I like the riisi here. Do you think I would bother to leave my shop if it wasn't good enough for my pallet? Who in the twelve hells do you think I AM!?! SOME COMMON TROLLOP?"
— Dodie McGlynn, Shop Owner (UN-common trollop)
 
"I'm not sure why som many folk prefer this dish for breakfast when it's the perfect meal anytime you're hungry. It's flavorful, hearty and easy on the stomach for those of us not as young as we used to be.   The riisi is also wonderful cold--so I take some home to my angel. She loves it too."
— Dathern Istul, Owner of Perspicacious

Authors Note:

If anyone is interested in more recipes, leave a comment below and I'll use your requests to persuade Wood to open up a bit more about his cooking. Morphiophelius Smith (a.k.a. Chuck) has tried many times to get some of his drink recipe's which are famous, even with the dark races around here...so SPEAK UP and I'll see what I can do!

Comments

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3 Jul, 2019 02:45

This type of 'journal' format for articles never gets old to me! There's definitely a lot of character to this writing, and I feel like I just had a great conversation with someone talking about their favorite place to eat. The quotes in the sidebar, as well? Priceless! Especially the disclaimer after the first one, stating they don't really sell turds. Overall, a very humorous article that just feels like it really came from characters in your world.   After reading through this article, I feel like I just want to get to know more about how the actual tavern runs! Maybe get to know more about Wood himself? What are the patrons here like, and how did this place become THE place to eat in this dark black market criminal underworld? Though this article tells me that the top quality flavors in the food at this tavern certainly played a big role in that last question!


Seek a new dawn, in Malkora!
3 Jul, 2019 06:08

Awwww, Polina--your comments are EXACTLY what I was shooting for. My hope is to do that with most, if not all of the articles.   Rest assured that there will be a LOT of details connected to each and every character and location of this world. If you have any specific interests now or in the future--just place them in the comments, as that's one of the ways I judge what to complete next.   Thank you for stopping by =D

JAIME BUCKLEY
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3 Jul, 2019 03:01

First of all, this article looks amazing. Everything is laid out very nicely. Using spoiler tags to hide the cooking instructions so that the article is a reasonable length was a great idea. I also really like your h1 font; I would say it's as close as any font can get to illustrating the humorous tone you write with.   As for the content, I chuckled to myself several times while reading this. The quotes in the sidebar were a great addition! I also really appreciated that all of the recipes included what ingredient you could use in reality; it's a nice way to allow a reader to imagine what the food would actually taste like.   I would be especially interested to know more about the other inhabitants of the gypsy Black Market; they seem like a lively group!

3 Jul, 2019 06:11

Thank you mashley310 for this feedback!   The locals of the Black Market are indeed a lively place, but Höbin has a way with words (and sarcasm) if I'm being honest here.   Because my books can get a bit intense, I've focused a lot on comical relief and it took over a decade or so ago, so I never looked back.   ~CHEERS!

JAIME BUCKLEY
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3 Jul, 2019 05:17

I love the way you've written your article! It definitely makes me want to find out what else can be found in the gypsy Black Market. Is Wood the only employee? Or does he have a staff that helps cook and server the food?

3 Jul, 2019 06:13

Wood has a complete staff,...and if you want to read a bit more about him, I included another article with extensive information on him, just for Summer Camp.   Look up "Butter & Rum".....   Trust me on this.

JAIME BUCKLEY
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Sage Dylonishere123
R. Dylon Elder
3 Jul, 2019 05:36

Ok, so i got to the end of the first paragraph and immediately scrolled down and slammed that like and follow so quick it isn't funny. No, dont thank me. Thank you, my friend, for making me laugh out loud. That's rare for me. Your clever fourth wall breaks and the wordplay made this a delight to read. The funny quotes add so much... dare i say... spice to the article and the inclusion of the recipes, the awesome use of spoilers for prep, it just threw me for a loop. delightfully unexpected. The ONLY problem i had with it is that is seemed a tad bit cluttered with all this crazy awesome going on. Also, i dont see them, but be sure to throw the artist credits, even if they are yours if you are competing. other than that. oof, amazing read. I look forward to more!

Sage Dylonishere123
R. Dylon Elder
3 Jul, 2019 05:45

ooops. ok questions, forgot. first, whos writing this? whos the narrator. i dont see a name, second, whats the pricing? how does it compare to others? and finally, how does it not get caught? or is it not associated with the illegality of the market?

3 Jul, 2019 13:29

Thank you, Dylon, for the comment and feedback--I always hope I can entertain through writing and making connections with readers and characters. I think it helped, being a comic book creator and always wanting to connect with kids as I told stories...   I took your advice and added both pricing and attributed the article to Höbin, though this entire world is narrated by him--which is spoken of in the introduction of the world. However, a new arriving person, who only comes to this article wouldn't know that--hence thank you for the suggestion!   As for the crediting of artwork, I had a long discussion with WA staff and I was directed to place a very specific © notice at the bottom of the site--which opens on almost any page tocover the art credits. Putting them on every picture takes away from the feel of my theme and I didn't want that.   Not sure about your last question--"how does it not get caught? or is it not associated with the illegality of the market?"   Maybe you can elaborate a bit, and I'd be happy to explain or even clarify through the article.   Thanks!

JAIME BUCKLEY
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Sage Dylonishere123
R. Dylon Elder
3 Jul, 2019 14:14

Ohhh well all that's fine then LOL at the beginning of the article you mentioned how the black market is involved in illegality and I was wondering where that puts this place of business. Though the look and feel of your article likely wouldn't cover this information but I still figured I'd bring it cuz it makes me wonder just what nefarious things are going on

3 Jul, 2019 05:38

I love the conversational tone of the article. It makes me feel like I just bumped into an old friend and he said "You know the best place to eat right?" I love the formatting of the recipes and the reviews.   I know this prompt is about culinary recipes from a particular culture. I feel like the recipes are awesome, but why this culture. Obviously, Woods could do better in other places if he's one of the best restaurants in the business. So why did he chose the Black Market? What about that culture makes these foods such a hit?   Anyway, awesome article, that I hope is enriched by my questions!

3 Jul, 2019 13:48

Hey Mortambo =D That's the whole purpose of how I like to write--so you feel like this is a conversation.   The reasons why I picked the Gypsy culture and specifically the Black Market were:   • It's one of the central hubs of interest of readers from my fantasy series;   • I wanted to show that some of the best food can come from the deepest poverty;   • I wanted people to QUESTION Woods choices and wonder WHY he lives in the caves (BINGO with you, right?), and lastly;   • The Gypsy culture eats things the rest of the world look upon as detestable, disgusting, unthinkable to consume...yet part of their culture is to share what they have as a humble offering (see my article: "The Gift and Gift Returned")...so why not show how another has embraced the very culture of the community he lives in AND is converting others to it as well? That was my thinking...and YES, your questions enriched my article! Thank You.

JAIME BUCKLEY
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